Sex pollen is not a toy
by seriousish
Summary: <html><head></head>When Booster Gold and Blue Beetle are infected with sex pollen, are there sexy results? Look at the rating. What do you think?</html>


"Three words," Ted began. Then, counting them down. "Cash. For. Gold."

Booster blinked. "Don't you 21st-century-folk already have that? I think we missed the boat on that. There's already a company whose name is Cash 4 Gold, _with_ the number four in there. I don't think we can compete with that kind of intuitiveness."

"No, no, no," Ted gestured wildly before slapping his hands on Booster's shoulders. "Where's the one place these cash-for-gold outfits always go wrong?"

"Getting complimented by Glenn Beck?"

"No. They have to give people cash for gold. What if they didn't? What if people gave us their gold, in return for some item we know will be useful to them because of our future knowledge?"

"But we don't have future—" Booster began. "_Ooooooh._ Wait, no, the time cops…"

"Screw Van Damme!" Ted said emphatically. "We won't be messing with the timeline for personal gain. We'll just be _saying_ we're messing with the timeline for personal gain. Works for Miss Cleo all the time!"

"So we could just give people a rubber band or some paper clips… no, no, that'd never work. People would never fall for it."

"They watched six seasons of Lost."

"…you have a point there." Booster scratched his chest. "Woo. Is it hot in here or is it just me?"

"Now that you mention it…" Ted unbuttoned his shirt. "It's actually kinda _sexy_ in here." 

* * *

><p>Batman was on monitor duty. Wonder Woman was not. She was on Batman duty. Not in a way Batman might've liked, except in the most masochistic, "after this fear toxin will be a breeze" sense.<p>

Diana was mad at him.

"You said it would help the economy. You said I could donate my licensing fee to charity. You said you would have top Hollywood talent working on it."

"He did Ally McBeal," Batman argued. "I thought that was big. Even I saw that dancing baby… thing…"

"Could you not have gotten J.J. Abrams? He's writing everything else."

"Diana, I'll fix it."

"Why do I need three identities, Bruce? Tell me that. Because in the real world, I get by just fine with _one_."

"I'll fix—"

Before Batman could assure her anymore, the door swooshed open. J'onn stalked in, M'gann dragging her feet ahead of him with her head bowed like a scolded dog.

"M'gann, tell the on-duty Justice Leaguer what you did," J'onn instructed.

M'gann gave Batman and Wonder Woman her best puppy dog eyes. Batman was unmoved. Diana gave her a sympathetic 'come on now, it can't be that bad' gesture.

"Okay, you know how Green Martians have this extra-special pollen we use on Martian Valentine Day," the real name was unpronounceable without forming at least three tongues, "that makes couples really… spontaneous?"

Batman and Diana looked at each other. "We've heard of it."

"In my younger days," J'onn explained, "I attempted to gift the pollen to act on the… tension between the two of them."

M'gann laughed and pointed at him. "See? He gets it… so what happened?"

Diana rolled her eyes at the memory. "I had some _very_ awkward dates with Nemesis. Batman had a hernia."

"Oh." M'gann bit her pinky. "Darn."

"Who did you infect?" Batman demanded.

"No one! I mean, not anyone who wasn't… c'mon, you've seen the way they look at each other, they just need to get their feelings out in the open!"

"Nightwing and Oracle?" Diana asked.

Batman made a sort of "tch" sound.

"No, I'm talking about those two that are always hugging and putting their arms around each others' shoulders and holding hands…"

"Nightwing and Starfire?" Diana guessed.

"No! I mean two people who are clearly soulmates, who just need that one perfect moment and they'll be together for the rest of their lives!"

"Nightwing and Arsenal?"

Batman glared at her.

"Are we _sure_ Nightwing hasn't been infected with sex pollen?" J'onn asked.

Batman glared at him.

M'gann couldn't take even the glint of the Bat-glare. "It's Booster Gold and Blue Beetle! I just wanted them to be happy! I'm sorry! I'll never do it again! Please don't send me to Roswell to be dissected, or part of a crappy teen drama!"

"I thought Booster and Beetle were straight," Batman said, looking at Diana for confirmation. Sexuality was really more her department.

"Yes. Gay men tend to criticize my costume more." Diana frowned at the memory of her last run-in with Obsidian. _Hooker boots? Really?_

"So if they're not going to have sex with each other, then who…" M'gann's hands shot to cover her mouth. "You don't think they'd… molest someone, do you?"

Batman grunted. "Max Lord would sooner shoot someone in the head."

"Which didn't happen in this universe!" M'gann added.

After the obligatory odd look at M'gann, Diana gestured for silence. "Come on. Let's find them before they do something boneheaded like impregnate an evil villainess."

Batman just glared. 

* * *

><p>They split up. It didn't take Diana long to find the two biggest boobs in the Justice League. They were with Power Girl. (There was a joke in there that Diana would prefer not to find.)<p>

"Fly away with me, my love!" Ted exhorted. "The Bug will become our exotic steed, carrying us to the most romantic places on Earth! Paris! Venice! …Paris!" He reached for her head.

Power Girl smacked his hand away. "Stop trying to brush my hair out of my face! I have a short haircut, Beetle! _It won't happen!_"

"Yeah, scrub, get lost." Booster gave Ted a shove and put his arm around Power Girl's shoulders. "Karen, you and I are men of the world—me more so than you, owing to your social upbringing and internal genitalia—so let me be frank: You know how we get freaky in the future? That's right, babe: _We finally found the clitoris._"

"Michael!" Diana scolded.

Upon seeing her, Ted stopped trying to touch Power Girl's hair and went to Diana, drooling. She held him at arm's length with an outstretched hand.

Power Girl crossed her arms. "He must be a legs man."

"I'm sorry about this, Karen. They've been dosed with sex pollen. M'gann thought she'd get rid of the B in their bromance."

"Yeah, Terra did the same thing to us once." Power Girl noticed Booster and Ted were staring at her. "And I had sex with a man. A big smelly man. _What did you hear?_"

"Karen, it's me," Diana mollified.

"Right! Forgot I was talking to the woman who calls an island with no men Paradise."

"I meant that I would never judge anyone's sexuality, so long as it was expressed in a healthy way."

"Yes." Power Girl stared at her shoes. "That's what I thought you meant."

"Make out!" Ted and Booster cheered.

Diana grabbed them both by their ears. "I'm going to take these two to sleep it off."

"Woo!"

"_Alone._"

"Dang."

"Future dang."

"And I'd better get back to Earth," Power Girl said. "Wouldn't want Terra to worry. About me, her _good friend._" 

* * *

><p>Afterward, Power Girl and Diana got espressos, because Power Girl had worked hard to find an espresso machine that worked on the moon and she was going to enjoy it before getting her molecules scrambled in the teleporter.<p>

"So who would you have picked, if they aren't all… un-consent-y?" Diana asked.

Power Girl lowered her cup. "Picked?"

Suddenly, M'gann poked her head through the floor. "Guys, guys!"

"M'gann, what's the rule on talking while incorporeal? You know it won't take long for some jerk to—"

Guy Gardner leaned through the door. "Nothing like some head, eh ladies?"

His ring protected him from Power Girl's heatvision.

"What is it, M'gann?" Diana asked, holding onto Power Girl's cape to keep her from running after Guy.

"I went to apologize to Mr. Booster and Mr. Beetle—don't worry, I shapeshifted into someone they would never have sex with, but I won't say who because Diana is glaring at me."

"I just didn't like where you were going with that."

"Anyway, when I went to see them, their cells were empty! Someone broke them out! Who knows what kind of 80s sex comedy antics they're getting into!" 

* * *

><p>"Isn't this a little…" Ice paused to shudder as Booster worked a kink out of her back. "Wrong?"<p>

"We're not making them do anything they wouldn't do normally," Fire replied, as Blue Beetle worked another roller into her hair.

"It's amazing how I can't find a single split end, Mistress Fire."

"He just called you Mistress!" Ice protested.

"It's a nickname."


End file.
